Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
You Might Also Like
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
You are what you delete.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.