Nose
You Might Also Like
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good