Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
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If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now