Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
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*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
mechanics be like
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location