Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
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TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
the three branches of government
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense