Nose
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Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
True freaking story!
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.