Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
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*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it