Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
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Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Holding a friend’s phone for her. Just texted “put a ring on it” to five random male names. Stay tuned.
If you’re wearing Superman undies, but she’s a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Ok parents who refer to their kids by age… I can play too. “22 always wants BJs before class. 39 just wants pictures for his golf buddies”