Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

this is the news I live for

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

crying

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.