Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
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I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Breakfast in bed.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*
uh oh
*frantically starts flipping through pages*
uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from