Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

[CAVE]

BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!

DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer

3: for forever?! Yay!!

Me: for five more minutes

3: *bursts into tears*

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done