Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

Support your local cemetery

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.