Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice

I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not