Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
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[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Overindulged this afternoon.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
the zen of frog
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
