Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
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Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”