Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
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My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.