Not😆🤣
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She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Not😆🤣
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Banking tips
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.