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What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Yup.
buys donuts instead
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Sing it!
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency