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fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill iām just here to werk
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh itās so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Iād be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
Iām rebobulated now.
I like to play fetch with my catā¦.which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as āHowdy Arabiaā and I still havenāt stopped laughing.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So umā¦ have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what itās all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
8: āYou know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?ā
Me: āYeahā
8: āDid you know that WEāRE also THEIR cousins?!ā
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashierās home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I think itās sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My Sister: My baby doesnāt sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies donāt read those books.
I donāt care if heās famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
They just announced step away from the windows at OāHare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
youāre never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
If somebody at a party tells you theyāre a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, āDID YOU WRITE THIS?ā
[2005, youtubeās first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if americaās funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computerā
SOLD
calf- calves
half ā halves
self ā selves
wolf ā wolves
golf ā golves
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coasterās first drop.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a womanās shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if youāre at Walmartā¦ I know that now
Skrillex! Itās your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound youāve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I stand right next to the āGod Hates Fagsā guy with a sign that says āPlease Ignore My Ex-Boyfriendā
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Itās adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like Iām not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.