Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

My therapist after every session

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

nobody’s gonna understand

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1052952357821194241/pu/vid/1280x720/4tqbWoXS_Zghxrjk.mp4?tag=5

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

Labreador

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]