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“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I’m the neighbor
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.