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Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, weāve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: ā¦
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. Youāll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Interviewer: Whatās your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
me: iām so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
āHey look, hot dogs!ā
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why Iām 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices arenāt my strong point.
I didnāt have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said āI canāt believe youāre making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!ā and rolled her eyes at my kids!
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Diary, day 1: Iām in the gang, but the guys didnāt want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets donāt count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. Iām out of the gang
[blind date]
HER: Iām a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when itās something good about them.
Astrological sign: Youāre smart.. but not really. Youāre actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesnāt cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and thatās bullshit
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and youāll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didnāt fly away. I stared at him and didnāt fly away either.
Just finished cleaning and canāt find the kids.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
ME: ā¦and thatās what the āsineā function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years laterā¦}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: Whatās the āsineā function used for?
If youāre forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then youāve got another Thing coming.
When I said I liked it rough.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Isā¦.is anyone else cold?
Keep in mind that āThe Cat in the Hatā is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when youāre goneā¦