Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
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DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.