Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
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I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.