Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

hand it over!

😭😭

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello