not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
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If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture