not a day goes by where i don’t think of this

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Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.


*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt


At some point, male “pick-up artists” are just going to start chasing women around like Benny Hill.


Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.


Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.


[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading


I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.


Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas


I hate when I’m telling my best friend a story and she gets all judgmental and walks off to get a drink from her water bowl.