Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
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*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
At some point, male “pick-up artists” are just going to start chasing women around like Benny Hill.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!
Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I hate when I’m telling my best friend a story and she gets all judgmental and walks off to get a drink from her water bowl.