Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*

[hours later]

Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count