Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
You Might Also Like
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this