Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes