Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
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Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…