Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
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If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.