Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

I have chosen my priorities!

#studies #exams

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

#Thanos #MondayMood

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

Them: You should try keto
Me:

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.