Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.