Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

“What kind of dog do you have?”

“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”

“And what kind of cat?”

“Orange”

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

#Caturday

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies