Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”