not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
You Might Also Like
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.