Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”

New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw