Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
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ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.