Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

gentlemen, hear me out

I believe the plural is “milves.”

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”