Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
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Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.