Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
You Might Also Like
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Monday
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.