Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
You Might Also Like
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating