Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
You Might Also Like
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
some things should go without saying
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.