Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
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– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
How to woo a woman
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.