Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

how to market bottled water to dads

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

Me trying to “trust the process”

Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.

Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

Most Common Source of Electricity

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

Only short people can save us

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”