Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
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Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual