Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
You Might Also Like
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
The booster protects against what, now?
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*