Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
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GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
Breaking news:
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this