“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
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I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.