Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

Ferrari squats

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset