Not all heroes wear capes…
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Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.