Not all heroes wear capes…
You Might Also Like
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.