Not all heroes wear capes…
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[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Vodka burrito was a success
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.