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My exes new girlfriend has been calling me looking for him for days. It got old. I gave in and sent her the map and shovel.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Next time you hand someone a roll of toilet paper under the stall, hold their hand for a while. Let them know it’s gonna be okay.