@CulturedRuffian

Not all heroes wear capes…

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@RandomlyMJ

My exes new girlfriend has been calling me looking for him for days. It got old. I gave in and sent her the map and shovel.

@ElgatoEsmio

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

@3sunzzz

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

@LeonEarlgrey

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

@sock_holliday

[DATE NIGHT]

Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*

@Marlebean

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

@IamEveryDayPpl

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

@OctopusCaveman

Next time you hand someone a roll of toilet paper under the stall, hold their hand for a while. Let them know it’s gonna be okay.