Not all heroes wear capes…
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It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I need this for my side hustle.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.