Not all heroes wear capes…
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Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
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[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?