Not all heroes wear capes.
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Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.