Not all heroes wear capes.
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I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
🤣😂🤣😂
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!