Not all heroes wear capes….
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I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
I’m hunting wabbits…
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…