Not all heroes wear capes….
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Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.