I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
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I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
It be like that sometimes 😆
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I drew y’all a little something.