Not all heroes wear capes…
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Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.