Not all heroes wear capes…
You Might Also Like
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]