Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
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[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
figuring out my emotional availability:
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.