NOT all policemen are strippers.
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A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care
$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi