NOT all policemen are strippers.
You Might Also Like
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Oh no
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.